Dad's Life Rules

When my daughter was born, I started thinking about the kinds of wisdom I would eventually share with her as she grew up.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn't know  much, but, having lived a while, had been kicked in the teeth enough to know a few immutable truths that I wished someone had shared with me.  Could have saved me a lot of time and bullshit, so here they are:

The Rules


1.  Shit Happens.   Doesn't matter who you are or where you come from, sooner or later shit is going to happen to you.  It's inevitable.  Get used to it.  Anticipate it.  Embrace it.  Whether you like or not, in one way or another, from time-to-time, you're gonna get fucked.  Things break when you need them most, friends will let you down when you count on them, and you're do may really eat your homework one day.


2.  When Shit Happens, it doesn't have to ruin your day.  Hey, like I said, shit happens.   Get past it.  Everyone has their own shit happening to them.  They don't want to hear yours, and wallowing in your shit just makes you smell like shit, and, more importantly, feel like shit.  Get mad, get sad, have a good cry, and move on.  Put it behind you and feel better.


3.  Boys are Disgusting Pigs.  If you're a boy and you're offended, fuck you.  Boys ARE disgusting pigs.  The pick their noses, fart, and yes, they really only have one thing on their mind.  I have a daughter, and, being a former boy myself, knew that she would have to learn this one for herself.  But hey, I'm a dad, so I had to give it a shot.

4.  Do the Hard Thing First.  Everybody wants to go out and play.  Everybody wants to watch TV, or play XBox.  That shit can wait.  Do the tough thing right away and the rest will take care of itself.  No one ever won a Nobel Prize for being the high scorer in Halo.  If you buckle down and take care of the hardest task early, you'll only have easy shit for the rest of the day.

5.  Manners Count.  Most people don't even know what manners are anymore, so if you get some, you're already way ahead of the game.  Manners are how we tell people we care about them.  Get some, use them, and stop picking your nose at the table.

6.  Life Isn't Fair, but You can be.  People are weak assholes for the most part. If not all of the time, at least some of the time.  No one owes you anything, and honor and integrity have gone the way of black and white television.  But just because everyone else is an asshole doesn't mean you have to be.  Be fair with people.  They may not be fair with you, but you'll be less of an asshole and that counts for a lot.

7.  Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.  Education is essential to personal growth and success in life.  But if you really want to get somewhere, you need experience.  Unfortunately, you only get the experience but getting your ass kicked.  Try hard, fail, try again.  Learn from your mistakes and don't be afraid to make them.  Anybody who ever lived and was worth a shit made a lot of mistakes.  But try not to make the same one over and over.

8.  Don't let anyone's thinking replace your own.   Your friends don't know shit.  Whether you're 12 or 65.  Form your own opinions about things, don't be afraid to adjust your thinking as you learn and get some experience, but make your thoughts your own.  You may be wrong, but at least you'll be authentic.  Also, if your friends are jumping off the bridge, don't do that.

9.  The older you get, the faster life goes.  You'll be dead before you know it.  If you have a burning desire to climb a mountain, travel to Bhutan, or visit an ashram, go fucking do it now.  If you wait for the right time, it'll never be here.

10.  If you want to have a friend, be a friend.  If you want to have a family, be a family.  In other words, don't be a selfish asshole.  You want your friends to help you move?  Help them move.  Aunt Ester is having a tea party and you hate tea?  Too fucking bad, go to the party.  Aunt Ester could die tomorrow and leave you a mattress full of money.

10.  If someone loves you, you win.  Go to school, get a good job, buy some stuff.  It's the American way.  But stuff, prestige, your car and your house don't define you.  You can tell a lot about someone by looking at who loves them.  Someday you'll die, and your stuff will not come to the funeral.  Pay attention to your friends, your boyfriend or spouse, and your family.